Trust

A question popped into my mind this morning. 


"Are you happy, Kelly? Are you happy with your life, Kelly?" 


This is a very simple question but i was surprised because i couldn't give an answer to this question straightaway. All i can say is: "I don't know." 


I asked this question to my best friend last night and she said yes. But why can't i be as confident as her? After thinking for a while, i knew the reason why i had difficulties answering that simple question. I have lost trust to the people around me. I do not know when did this happen. But when i come to think of it, i knew it. I found myself very hard to trust other people. 


Without trust, i cannot find true friendship and love. And only true friendship and love can make one happy. That's why i can't answer yes straightaway. Because long ago i have already lost trust. A lot of people said to me, "Kelly, you are a very strong and confident girl. How i wish i could be like you." or "Kelly, i am eighteen and you are too. But why are you so much more mature than me?" The thing is, i am strong and confident only because i do not want help from other people. And the reason why i rejected help is because i do not trust them. There's always fear inside me. Fear that i will get hurt. Fear that i will be betrayed one more time. 




Betrayal is the main reason i lost trust. Being betrayed by your best friend hurts more than anything in this world. When i heard about it, i was completely lost for words. A friend who you spend most of your time in school and outside school is actually using you all this time and even talk bad about you in front of other people. A friend who know all your secrets but you never realized that she never told you hers until the day you knew you got betrayed. A friend who become best friends or "sisters" with the people who made fun or criticize you in front of the whole class and you still think that's okay until the day you knew she had betrayed you. A friend who lies to you and during the whole time together all she said to you was about studies and nothing else because for her, your brains is the only thing she wants. 


I was so stupid. So so stupid. What's the use of having brains but didn't even know that you've been betrayed and used by your best friend? From that incident onwards, i found it very hard to trust the people around me. I became independent and strong. But sometimes, when i thought of it, the pain came back and it won't even go away no matter how. Then i realized that i must really love her as my very very best friend. I love her so much that i won't even think to taking revenge for what she had done to me. I treated her as my younger sister and i am willing to take the pain myself rather than to see her getting hurt. It took me really long to learn to trust someone now. There are only two persons in this world that i really could depend on now because no matter what happen, they are the first two people who care for me and stand along with me when i have difficulties. And i thank God with all my heart for bringing these two people into my life. Joyce and Daxter, i love you guys and thank you for every tear you shed and every laugh you share with me. thank you for all the help, support and encouragement all this time. You guys made my day. I love you guys.